In other news, I no longer trust my smiles…

I’ve known for years that I’m a little bit crazy. Bipolar II is not one of those illnesses that you can hide from. By now I’m quite familiar with the paralyzing depression, the life-sucking apathy, and the crushing fatigue– all parts of the depressive side of my illness. The part I’ve never fully come to grips with is the panic I now feel whenever I’m feeling happy and light and free. Is the feeling of freedom a prelude to mania? Is the happiness real, or chemically-induced as I finally crack under the stress?

It’s hard to say, especially now. Right now I’m in the height of my PMDD symptoms, so I’m hyper-emotional about absolutely everything. What I can say for sure, is that I was a happy child. I used to be a happy, energetic person, and I trusted that. Now I feel as though monitoring my own care means second-guessing every emotion to watch for warning signs. It’s exhausting. I miss smiling without wondering why, feeling energized without having to tally up my sleep total for the past week… I miss being me.

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2 thoughts on “In other news, I no longer trust my smiles…

  1. Your name is on the prayer roll for the next 2 wks. I’ll fast and pray for you this Sunday and your part is to attend church.take your meds on schedule,and help the Lord to help you.I love you and am anxious for you to do well!

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